Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Going crazy

I feel lately as if I am going crazy. I'm not sure if it's hormones, too much time with the kids, not much help from hubby ect... I honestly feel like I cannot catch my breath. I am with kids constantly. I have my dear sweet daughter everyday of her life. My son goes to preschool 3 days a week, as I chose that I know, but I wanted to spend time with him as much as I can. I ask myself, "what was I thinking"?! Every day I have him, I get a huge headache. All I hear constantly is screaming and grunting. Of course you are probably thinking, "oh all kids do that". Well, his grunting and screaming is one of a kind. It is high pitched, full fledged, and I often compare it to that movie "The Exorcism". The sound that comes out of him is undescribable. I know it is his way of trying to communicate, but it sure does crawl under my skin.

I have taken up running as a hobby. I believe it really helps me get my frustrations out. I find myself run to the song "crawling in my skin" by Lynkin Park. I don't know why, but it just helps me run harder. I feel like my son crawls under my skin a lot because of the constant high pitched squeeling and grunting. I love him dearly, don't get me wrong, but a child that constanly screams will drive you insane. There is not one day that goes by that he is completely happy. He always seems upset. I had a wonderful time taking my kids to kickboxing with me as they both glared at me through the glass window seperating the kid area from the workout room and they both were balling. People look at me in awe, wondering why my children are always the ones crying? And some tell me just to give it time, and they will get used to it. I am not so sure of that. I just try and ignore them, and get my workout done. I guess I get so frustrated bc I have so much family, and not many want to help out at all. Kaylee hasn't been kept by anyone since she was born. She cries when someone else picks her up and holds her bc she just isn't used to anyone but me.

I know there is a reason I was blessed with a son with autism, but somedays I wonder, "why me"? Every night when he goes to bed, I sit back and breath and say, "finally, a moments peace". I know he will be back up in a few hours screaming, but I am trying to enjoy my quiet time. And I have given up talking to hub about how I feel. I told him I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. He rares back at me that he is tired, and has worked all day. Oh well I'm so sorry. I guess I didn't work keeping Kaylee, cleaning up puke and shit all day, AND having three clients to massage, go on my 3 mi run just to breath, back home to cook dinner, clean up kitchen, bath and put kids to bed. I guess that's not working. Of course he had to get the stomach bug over the weekend, so whatever help he would have been, I didn't receive any! He layed in bed all day, everyday, muttering and moaning of how he didn't feel good. Well, his 1 year old daughter had the same thing, and was up walking around, eating, and smiling. So this is my sounding board. I have no one else to talk to, so this is it.

Some of you might wonder what does Will yell about? Cry about? Have meltdowns about? Here are some examples of our daily routines: Every morning put the cd player on the same song and you have to hit repeat bc if it goes to a different song, it's a huge problem. We have to have milk to drink, and breakfast of some sort. Then to get dressed. Can't have a plain shirt, it has to have some sort of picture on the front. Can't have a button up shirt. Socks have to be on straight, and pulled up right. Remember he can't have jogging pants. He can't stand the cuffs around the ankle. We pack snacks for school, round up blankey, and everyone heads down to the car. Buckle him in as he is screaming "Open! OPen!! Open!" He is wanting the sunglasses holder thingy open that hangs down so you can't see out of your rear-view mirror. We drive down the road with this contraption open every single day. Proceed to school, and he takes forever in a day to get out (gets it from his father) finally walk into school. He usually trips atleast once, so its a bit fit when we get to the classroom. We put his items away, and he wants his blankey behind his pillow, and snacks in a certain place. I then tell him bye, and go on my merry way!!

I have to pick him up everyday bc his father has no sense of time, and never gets him on time. It also messes up his routine, so he is out of sorts when daddy picks him up. We scream about fans, anywhere there is a fan, it has to be on. Restaurants, stores, house, ect...Needless to say, I go shopping at night, by myself. We scream about different sheets on his bed, wanting certain pants on, cabinet door being open just a little, window being open ect... I can't roll down any window in my vehicle except for the drivers one without him freaking out. I had his bathroom window half open, and he freaked. He doesn't eat the last bite of anything. He saves it. He is a hoarder. If a tv program goes off, he screams. If a movie goes off, it's screaming. And please whatever you do, do not spill anything! He doesn't pet dogs (bc they smell) no smelly foods, smells peoples butts after they get up from sitting, he smells the seat where they were sitting. I can go on and on, and I am beginning to get drained.

I love my son to death. Wouldn't change it for the world, but sometimes I just have to vent!! I know not many will read this, but I feel better to get it off my chest.


  1. Oh Sarah, I am so sorry you have all of this to deal with. You always seem to handle it so well when I see you though. You are a great mother and do not for once let people think you aren't. Including yourself. Special kids are given to special people for a purpose. I know you love your family very much, but I can see why you would need to vent. I'm here if you ever need anything. Even if you just need to get some words out. I will be praying for you that you will not feel so alone and drained. I hope things gets better for you and your family. And just remember...you are one special momma and God has given you these precious babies because he knows you will love them and take care of them despite their struggles they may have.

  2. I love you hunny and you know that I am only a phone call away! I may not always know what to say but I will give you my ear and my shoulder.

  3. I'm sure there are no words I can say that would help, other than that I feel for you. I know that autisum seems to take a heavy toll on a marriage, some men just don't seem to get what they need to do. Maybe they are still in denial of the reality of it, or secretly have feelings that they are ashamed of and it comes out as indifference and anger. I don't know. I do know that open communication and being willing to listen and hear your partner is a strong part of marriage. I know you've already done this I'm sure with Jim, maybe again? You know how stubborn they can be.
    I may be just pissing you off by saying and doing this but I don't know what else to do. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't live your life. Here are some links to a few autisum sites, support, diet, and info. I'm sure you've already been there and done that but know that it comes from my heart and that I wish there was more I could do. If there is please let me know.



  4. thank you all so much for your support. Love ya'll.

  5. and Colleen, I will take any advice I can get. It doesn't piss me off in no way. I appreciate it!!