Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Going crazy

I feel lately as if I am going crazy. I'm not sure if it's hormones, too much time with the kids, not much help from hubby ect... I honestly feel like I cannot catch my breath. I am with kids constantly. I have my dear sweet daughter everyday of her life. My son goes to preschool 3 days a week, as I chose that I know, but I wanted to spend time with him as much as I can. I ask myself, "what was I thinking"?! Every day I have him, I get a huge headache. All I hear constantly is screaming and grunting. Of course you are probably thinking, "oh all kids do that". Well, his grunting and screaming is one of a kind. It is high pitched, full fledged, and I often compare it to that movie "The Exorcism". The sound that comes out of him is undescribable. I know it is his way of trying to communicate, but it sure does crawl under my skin.

I have taken up running as a hobby. I believe it really helps me get my frustrations out. I find myself run to the song "crawling in my skin" by Lynkin Park. I don't know why, but it just helps me run harder. I feel like my son crawls under my skin a lot because of the constant high pitched squeeling and grunting. I love him dearly, don't get me wrong, but a child that constanly screams will drive you insane. There is not one day that goes by that he is completely happy. He always seems upset. I had a wonderful time taking my kids to kickboxing with me as they both glared at me through the glass window seperating the kid area from the workout room and they both were balling. People look at me in awe, wondering why my children are always the ones crying? And some tell me just to give it time, and they will get used to it. I am not so sure of that. I just try and ignore them, and get my workout done. I guess I get so frustrated bc I have so much family, and not many want to help out at all. Kaylee hasn't been kept by anyone since she was born. She cries when someone else picks her up and holds her bc she just isn't used to anyone but me.

I know there is a reason I was blessed with a son with autism, but somedays I wonder, "why me"? Every night when he goes to bed, I sit back and breath and say, "finally, a moments peace". I know he will be back up in a few hours screaming, but I am trying to enjoy my quiet time. And I have given up talking to hub about how I feel. I told him I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. He rares back at me that he is tired, and has worked all day. Oh well I'm so sorry. I guess I didn't work keeping Kaylee, cleaning up puke and shit all day, AND having three clients to massage, go on my 3 mi run just to breath, back home to cook dinner, clean up kitchen, bath and put kids to bed. I guess that's not working. Of course he had to get the stomach bug over the weekend, so whatever help he would have been, I didn't receive any! He layed in bed all day, everyday, muttering and moaning of how he didn't feel good. Well, his 1 year old daughter had the same thing, and was up walking around, eating, and smiling. So this is my sounding board. I have no one else to talk to, so this is it.

Some of you might wonder what does Will yell about? Cry about? Have meltdowns about? Here are some examples of our daily routines: Every morning put the cd player on the same song and you have to hit repeat bc if it goes to a different song, it's a huge problem. We have to have milk to drink, and breakfast of some sort. Then to get dressed. Can't have a plain shirt, it has to have some sort of picture on the front. Can't have a button up shirt. Socks have to be on straight, and pulled up right. Remember he can't have jogging pants. He can't stand the cuffs around the ankle. We pack snacks for school, round up blankey, and everyone heads down to the car. Buckle him in as he is screaming "Open! OPen!! Open!" He is wanting the sunglasses holder thingy open that hangs down so you can't see out of your rear-view mirror. We drive down the road with this contraption open every single day. Proceed to school, and he takes forever in a day to get out (gets it from his father) finally walk into school. He usually trips atleast once, so its a bit fit when we get to the classroom. We put his items away, and he wants his blankey behind his pillow, and snacks in a certain place. I then tell him bye, and go on my merry way!!

I have to pick him up everyday bc his father has no sense of time, and never gets him on time. It also messes up his routine, so he is out of sorts when daddy picks him up. We scream about fans, anywhere there is a fan, it has to be on. Restaurants, stores, house, ect...Needless to say, I go shopping at night, by myself. We scream about different sheets on his bed, wanting certain pants on, cabinet door being open just a little, window being open ect... I can't roll down any window in my vehicle except for the drivers one without him freaking out. I had his bathroom window half open, and he freaked. He doesn't eat the last bite of anything. He saves it. He is a hoarder. If a tv program goes off, he screams. If a movie goes off, it's screaming. And please whatever you do, do not spill anything! He doesn't pet dogs (bc they smell) no smelly foods, smells peoples butts after they get up from sitting, he smells the seat where they were sitting. I can go on and on, and I am beginning to get drained.

I love my son to death. Wouldn't change it for the world, but sometimes I just have to vent!! I know not many will read this, but I feel better to get it off my chest.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Will's new quirks

Well, I am finally getting used to the screaming and yelling in a way....People don't quite understand the symptoms of autism. His new thing is yelling if someone "spills" something on tv, knocks something over, or makes a mess on a cartoon or something. I have started to record him just incase I get that person who wonders what he does, or says, "oh, he doesn't have autism". I beg to differ. You ask him a question like, "Will, do you need to go potty", or "Will, are you hungry", and you get nothing but a piercing screaming fit. I just prepare myself to plug my ears after you, or someone else asks him a question.

We now have to open all the cabinet doors, which is a new thing for him. He used to freak out if one wasn't quite shut all the way. He likes to be very clean. Washes his hands frequently, smells his clothes, my clothes, ect. He has to have the fans ON, if not, all you hear ALL DAY is crying and pointing at the fan. He still cannot talk very well, which can be highly aggravating at times. He grunts more than anything, and has a severe meltdown if things don't go the right way. He also has started smacking himself in the face when he gets really upset. One thing he does really well at lately is taking commands. For example: Go get your shoes, coat, blanky, lunch bag, ect. He knows what you mean by these questions. But if you ask him, what is hurting, how do you feel, how old are you, ect. he has no idea how to respond.

He also found a new "spot" in my vehicle that he wants to sit. It's the 3rd row seat. He wants to sit back there everytime now, which isn't the easiest to get him in and out, but whatever makes him happy, and not yell as much, I am game! People give me the weirdest looks at school, grocery store, ect b/c I open up the back, and just pull him out from the back instead of having to climb back there from the 2nd row. When he used to sit in the 2nd row, we would pass people or what not, and he would scream so loud bc the person looked his way or something, causing me to almost lose control it would make my nerves jump! By sitting in the back, he can just watch everything, and be in his own environment. He has been obsessed with "Imagination Movers" lately. He will throw fits until you put the movie on. But today, I am sitting here listening to a melt-down bc it's not on. I just can't handle that movie again today. Sorry!! His cast is now starting to smell just a little. Nothing major, it's just if you put your nose right on it, it smells a little sweaty. So he's freaking about that too. Thank goodness he is supposed to get it off next week! We are still working on the eating with utensils thing. He's getting a bit better, but I'm still having to help feed him, which can be very challenging as I am feeding his sister too! He is still working on the whole pottying thing. He pees but no poops still. He pooped last Sunday at dads for the first time. But hasn't done it since.

I am really looking forward to Jim and I's weekend away! Well, just Saturday night, but I'll take it. It's so hard to get someone to watch the kids these days. I think it is critical that Jim and I have some quality time together as Will's behavior can sometimes put a strain on our marriage. Honestly, some days I can admit myself into Broten (nuthouse) due to listening to 24/7 screaming, grunting, and crying. I've had people ask "how do you do it", or "you have your hands full". I just take it one day at a time. I have learned to deal with it, and to also not do the things that trigger his melt-downs. I am in the process of looking for a support group for autism. I think it would really help me figure out other ideas on how to deal with this.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Hard times

Well well well. I haven't been on here in a while, but finally had the chance. Will broke his arm on Wed. He fell off the kitchen counter! I'm not sure what happened actually, as I was with baby sister. Of course I got the honors of catching grief that I "should have been paying more attention" and that I "shouldn't leave him in the kitchen by himself" on and on and on. I'm over it. I can't be super mom and be 2 places at once. So anywho, off to the wonderful hospital we call "Angel Med Center". Took them 45 min to see Will as his arm is hanging like a broken limb from a tree. They get in no hurry, I can tell you that. They finally take him back. Ask him what his pain level is from a 1 to 10. Are we serious? He can't even tell you his name for Christ's sake. Then asked him to point at a chart with little faces on it to tell them which one best suits him. I said he's a 7, and it's that face right there. Just take an xray and get on please!!

We then get shoved into a very unexciting room for an hour and a half. Will is throbbing in pain, running around, is so  very hungry as he hasn't eaten lunch and it is now 2 p.m. I make Jim wake up from his dozing in the chair, and go ask if they forgot about us, or what was going on, and if Will can eat something. The nurse very rudly says "the dr has to read the xray first". Another hour passes by. I am livid at this point. Give me the fucking xray, and I will read it myself. A break is a break!! Needless to say, he comes in and tells us it's a greenstick break. But we will have to go see the orthopedic b/c he wants to set it a little. So finally we get out of this torturous hospital. Go to the wonderful orthopedic. I really liked him, not personally, but doctor wise, he is great. He tries to set Will's arm a little, which completely broke my heart. He put the cast on, and before it got hard, he squeezed on Will's forearm to try and "set" the bone back into place. He then finished putting on the cast, and took another xray to see how the bone set. Well, he only got it about 20% set, which isn't too good. We had 3 options: #1 leave it alone, leave it in the current cast, come back in a week and see how the bone is healing #2 take a saw to the cast (which would totally scar Will for life) try re-setting it, which there was a greater possibility of making it worse, causing us to have surgery. #3 Knock Will out, scar him for life trying to get an IV in his arm to put him out to and try and set the bone, which more than likely wouldn't do well, and make it worse, and have to have surgery anyway. So we went with option #1.

He is in a carolina blue cast. He freaked out for about 2 hrs of having it on. He barely can wear gloves. No wrist watch, bracelets, ect can he wear b/c he just doesn't like stuff on his hands. So now he has a permanent thing on him, and he is begging anyone and everyone to take it off. I then had to catch shit off others about choosing this certain doctor b/c they don't like his people skills, but say he the best orthopedic in Franklin. I don't give a rats ass if he gets personal with me. I could hosestly care less!!! I just want my sons arm fixed, and fixed right! And this doctor told me all my options, and the honest truth about them. That's exactly what I want. So we are in a cast for 4 weeks, get another xray in 1 week to see how the bone is healing. Please pray that it heals well!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I am sitting here wide awake, chowing down on saltine crackers hoping this will help this horible heartburn. It's not the kind that slides up and down your throat, it's the kind that just sits right in your throat/chest, and burns the ever living shit out of your throat. I have taken heartburn med, tums, milk, saltines, and nothing is working. I am dead tired because today was such a busy day.  I sold probably 8 gift certificates, had 3 massages, and babysat my children in between. Then I finished up my Christmas shopping tonight.

My son also enjoyed putting Jim and I on a wild goose chase tonight. I went to take my meds, and my zoloft is missing!! WTF?!  Will is bad to take our meds, and walk around and shake them and put them in different spots. Well, we usually can find them right away, but not tonight!! We looked high and low for 2 hours! I was IRATE!  Of course Will decides to play with MY pill bottle, and of course it's all Jim's fault because I was out shopping when the dissapearance happened.  I had to have them. If I don't take my zoloft, uh lets just say all hell will break loose! We even woke both kids up searching through their toyboxes and such. FINALLY! Jim found the bottle! It was chuncked on top of the fridge! Now who would have thought to look up there? Little ole' short Jim.  A wonderful way of spending an evening. Looking for damn pills!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Today was a day

Today was one of those days that I almost lost it. I had gone shopping all day in Asheville to get business supplies, and finishing up my Christmas shopping. Kaylee bug and I had a pretty good day over there, although she got called a "boy" twice.  I knew Will had to be picked up by 4:30 from preschool, so I hurried home to get him. We have the usual routine of getting his belongings, telling his friends bye bye, and heading out to the vehicle. One thing that I forgot to do was to fold my visors back up after having them down to block the sun. This was an automatic melt down. Then he dropped his "blankey" so another screaming fit. As I drive away, I once again forgot that the doors automatically lock, and Will cannot stand for his lock to go down. So he screams and screams until you unlock all the doors, or he pulls it up himself. We finally reach our destination of home sweet home!! As we get out, Maggie (my dog) always greets him with a slight lick, or nose to his hand. He screams and screams and smells his hands because she smells. We then have to wipe his hands on my pants because "that makes the smell go away" you know. We go inside, and if the ceiling fan isn't on, he will turn it on. If the Christmas lights aren't on in the house, he yells "fix it" until I turn them on. Then we have to plug in his small Christmas tree in his room, and turn his music on.

Today he was in rare form. Grouchy as all get out. He's going through this new thing where he doesn't want the fan lights on while the fan is on. Get it? So I am trying to break him of this, and it is rather stressful. Needless to say he wouldn't eat dinner tonight. I was absolutely FREEZING trying to eat dinner tonight in the kitchen. The ceiling fan was going, and the light was on. I turned it off, and the meltdown began. I try and try to explain that it is just way too cold to have the fan on! Will doesn't understand. He wanted the fan on, but the light off. Well who wants to eat in the dark? Finally I got so fed up with the screaming and crying I turned it on and went to the living room. I can't even eat dinner in peace and quiet without this OCDness. I have to hand feed him all the time like an infant. He can't use utensils very well, and doesn't like to touch a lot of foods. He is over 3 years old and cannot feed himself.  He then found I bought a bag of treats for the dogs. He thought it was "chips" for him. He cried and cried and screamed and screamed. I kept on and on telling him those are treats for the dogs! He doesn't understand. I just had to listen to the sobbing for 20 minutes.

Life is so frustrating at times. You wish your child could understand you. Will cannot tell you his own name, can't tell you how old he is, can't blow out candles, can't close his eyes to rinse his hair in the shower (so soap gets in his eyes) can't pull up his pants, underwear, ect. Can't put on his shoes, socks, ect. Can't brush his own teeth, spit, tell me when he's not feeling well, hungry, what food he would rather have, prepare him for a visit to the dr or dentist, grocery store ect, or WHAT HE WANTS. Pretty much all Will does 24/7 is grunts and screams it feels like. I get so frustrated, because I know he is beyond frustrated, trying to understand what he is needing. He honestly cries more then Kaylee (his 9 month old sister) ever has. I pray and pray he will grow out of this crying stage. It's not just a regular cry, it's the long, drawn out cry that gets under your skin, and there is nothing you can to stop it. People stare when we are out in public wondering why my child is acting like he does. He screams at anyone who comes up to him and talks to him. I am getting to where I absolutely hate going out in public. I have had problems in the past before I even had Will with having to go out in public. I had such terrible anxiety. I felt like everyone was staring at me when I would go to the grocery store, or even out to eat. I couldn't enjoy a meal because I was too worried about what everyone else was thinking about me. I am currently on medications for that, and has helped tremendously! I now go out shopping to Asheville by myself with the kids. But now with Will, I am having to deal with the grunting and screaming at everyone.

Will has been diagnosed with autism. He is between mild/moderately severe. I have always know something was "different" with him, but just thought it was like everyone around me was telling me, that boys are slower than girls. He was a slow crawler, slow walker, talker, ect. He has always been a neat freak. If something spilled, or was dirty, smelly, ect. he would have an issue. I thought this was a good thing because his room is always clean!  He also has a rather large head. They always tell me it measures off the charts. They are also wanting to do a genetics test. I am not doing that because I really don't see the point of telling me that he is autistic because of Jim or I's genes. I think that is just another thing to worry about. Since we have had the diagnosis, people are wanting answers, and ways to work with him. Well it takes time. We first have to find out how Will learns the best. IE: Visually, manually, auditorially, ect. They ask what am I supposed to do when he has a meltdown. Well, there isn't much you can do. You have to learn your own ways that work best with him. Some say you have to hold them tight during the meltdown, and that has worked with Will so far. I also try to get his mind off of the situation by changing it to something else. But the number one thing I probably do (and the dr said she would do it too) is to not leave open those options of a meltdown. I know it's sad, but I make sure things are the way they need to be before I get Will up in the mornings, pick him up from school, eat dinner, ect. This way I have to deal with a lot less meltdowns. 

People may say that we just give in too much, or we don't discipline. Well those people obviously don't have an autistic child. I have spanked and spanked in the past. It does not work. Recently I have stopped spanking as much, and am trying the time out deal, or sit on the couch and chill out, sitting in his room until he calms down, or just ignoring it.  Honestly you can beat an autistic child to death, and it will not help them one bit. They cannot control their emotions. I do beleive Will will improve as he gets older, and things will get easier for me. Once he can talk, I think that will help tremendously. Today was a lot of the screaming and crying. My head was pounding when I put him to bed. I often wonder why God gave me a child that  I feel like popping his head off sometimes, and constanty pushes my buttons. Why couldn't I have a normal son? I know God does everything for a reason, and I am just telling myself that over and over. My patients used to run very short, but since Will, I have patience like you would not believe. Just keep thinking of us, we need it. As Christmas approaches, I hope one year Will can finally understand what it is, and will be looking forward to it. As of now, he has no idea what Christmas is, when it is, why it is. I want him to be able to have that feeling of excitement we all had when we were younger. I love him so much. Words cannot explain the love I have for my precious boy. I thank God everyday for him. Even days like today that I was glad to see him go to bed!

Monday, December 6, 2010


Well it's that time of year where someone in my household seems to be ill. I started the nasty bug, which I caught from my lovely sister whome brought it to Thanksgiving and shared it. Then my poor Will got it about 4 days later, then Kaylee a couple days after him, and now my poor Jim has it. He has been laying in the bed for 2 days now.  This is something new to me as I have NEVER seen this man lay in a bed for days. It first started out with a terrible headache, then leads to vomiting and diahrea, and then terrible body aches. It's like this virus attacks your muscles too. I felt absolutely miserable when I had it. It took all I could do to make it up to the couch and collapse. Will's of course occured during the night, so we were up all night dealing with that.

I am very excited because Will's 1st program is tonight at his daycare. They are supposed to be singing. Jim says he is going to go, but I am seriously doubting that. He just doesn't want to miss it for the world. So please keep us all in your thoughts as these past days have been trialing to say the least. I have had the kids all to myself, having to take care of them all alone. Then I am always worrying about Jim, and if he needs anything, and if he is going to be ok?